as fuck over here.  What?

Well, I kinda had a rough night last night.  Today was a fine day.  No issues really.  I have two days off, and I shall work my butt off both of those days.  I shall be doing my cardio/strength workout, and then my sets of ab workouts.  I've found that I cannot lay on my back on the floor.  So all the mat work has to be done in bed, which is just fine with me. 

A month.  In a month I may get to visit with my dear handsome man.  Hopefully.  Which makes me nervous.  Whatever shall we do?  It's a bit odd.  We've already been out, several months ago, and we've been seriously talking for awhile now, what will it be like when we finally get to spend some more time together?  Who knows.... (I'm so stupid.  I'm  so very very stupid...)

I've had an odd obsession with The Phantom of the Opera this entire month.  And Gerard Butler, as handsome as he is, really isn't that great of a singer.  But Ramin, on the other hand, is so very handsome and has quite the wonderful voice.  Sigh. Oh!  And!  It's just so cute, the guy who plays Grantaire in the Les Mis 25th anv concert also plays Raoul in the Phantom 25th anv, along with Ramin as the Phantom, who also played Enjorlas in the Les Mis concert.  And those two dudes are like butt buddies or something, it's SO CUTE!  I cant stand it.... They're playing jean val jean and javert in London right now.  I mean really,  could two straight dudes get any closer and be any more adorable?  Its almost obnoxious..... in an adorably cute way. 

Who the fuck are you?  And Why the fuck would you pop up right now just to "say hello"  and tell me that you dreampt of me?  No. 

Nevermind the fact that this thing going on currently is slightly reminiscent of that summer you and i had.  You know, the one where I had to drive to corydon in the middle of the night after getting off work to spend the night with you, to make sure you didnt kill yourself.  The summer that you begged and begged me to quit my job, move in with you, to stay with you, a mere two weeks before telling me that you were getting married to your ex who was in fucking Sweden at the time.  The summer that I tried to convince you life was worth living, and that I too, was worth living for, only to be shoved away, like I was nothing, once she agreed to take you back. 

I can't help but to be scared now.  I can't help but to think that once he feels better, he'll do exactly the same thing, throw me away as soon as something better comes along.  I can't help but to think the worst about him, about myself, sometimes.  Whos fault is that?  Mine?  Yours?

And I'm so stupid, I cant help but to make idiotic small talk with you.  Like everything's okay.  Like I dont remember what you did.  And I hate myself for that.  And you, just happened to pop up at this exact fucking time. 

So, no.  I wont.  I wont be there for you to tell me about your new failing relationship.  I wont listen, and offer sympathy, as I did when you were married to the girl you threw me away for.  I wont give, while asking for nothing in return. 

I'm done, across the board.  With everyone.  Just, done. 

So, we're not being completely crazy here.  I do appreciate this.  And, while that word makes me shutter and gag, I acknowledge the reasons why he's going there. 

Sometimes I feel so detatched from this.  Am I doing too good of a job telling myself to cool it?  That might be it.  For once, I'm successful in keeping my feelings in check, while he isn't.  I do like him though, so very much.  And I can't wait to spend more time with him, cant wait to do all those silly cutesy things that lovers do.  Cuddling, picnicing, shopping, curling up and watching a movie.  Silly stuff, you know. 

I worked out today, did a solid 30 minutes of cardio.  I'm gonna start doing it again.  I'm so uncoordinated though, I have to laugh at myself the whole way through, or else I get frustrated.  Oh well, I'll get better at it, eventually.

You know you're fucked when:

You put it on PBS to fall asleep to a documentary about Harper Lee and To Kill A Mockingbird, but have to immediately change the channel at the first utterance of the name Atticus. 

Jesus Christ, Samma, why didn't you see that one coming?

I hate the spring.